Living Lyme 2: Treatment 2 weeks in

Tonight is Saturday night and unlike most single 27 year olds, I am sitting on the couch watching Homeland with my beloved dog Verdell.I am exhausted after one trip to the grocery store and an excruciating long week at work. I find my weekends must be dedicated to sleep or I cannot function on weekdays. I'm becoming more and more isolated as my friends go about "business as usual". I have always been a secret loner but this disease has caused me to become a complete hermit.

I don't recognize myself in the mirror any more. I was once this thriving beautiful person who was full of life and hope. I now look in the mirror and see the results of the disease traced across and aging tired face. My personality has also changed...I'm more aggressive, angry, and upset over the slightest thing. No one knows me any more...hell I don't know myself.

My emotions range from sad, to mad, to plain defeated. Tonight I am defeated. I am sad for the life that I lost. I wonder if I should come to terms with the fact that I will never again know Kylie Jo. She is dead to me. The person I once was is a person I'm not sure I'll ever be again...ever see again. It makes me sad. I want to cry for the person I have lost. It's like losing a loved one-even though you know they are gone...you still answer the phone hoping to hear their voice, you go to familiar faces and see them around ever corner, and you mourn them in your dreams at night.

Tonight I hurt and ache like i have the flu. I have chills and sweats along with this deep foggy feeling that I describe as "brain blink". There are dishes in my sink, clothes in my floor, and the bed is unmade. I feel like that poem by Yeats:

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world

My center cannot hold...I am spinning out of control...I can only hope that it will stop spinning and my life can be set straight again.